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This is why I’m afraid of death

By at 04:16:22 on Jan 28, 2010 in Writing

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I thought I’d lost that Graf It sketch pad tonight. Which is where I keep my most embarrassing scribbles (it’s the one I keep in my purse, so it’s the one that gets attention in bars). Losing data of any sort is terrible and traumatic as far as I’m concerned. I’ve never lost a notebook before. My head would probably explode worrying about it, if I did, even though my handwriting is totally illegible. And even though it’s damned unlikely that the contents would ever become associated with my name.

Above are all of the notebooks and sketch pads I use regularly at present. I have seventeen zillion that are filled or completed (not the same thing). As much as I blither blather about anything online, basically unfiltered, there’s a whole lot (whole lot) of other drivel that never makes it to the web. If anything, that stuff would at least make me look like a major spaz, and that’s just as good as being awesome when it comes to the internet.

If I was the sort of person who made resolutions, I’d resolve to share more of the contents of these books. But I’m not. So we’ll see. Phobia. Phobia. It terrifies me to think that if I died… ack. Somebody could eventually sift through any one of them. Just thinking of a particular green steno pad from high school makes me cringe. Every depressed kid in high school thinks they can write poetry… Pain! Why don’t I burn it!? You guys gotta promise me that when I die, every piece of paper I own will be burnt unread. It clashes with my whole concept of life and death, since I’m confident I won’t care one bit about anything that happens after I die (as I’ll be rotting in the ground, and all). Even so.

I wonder how intoxicated I’d need to be to post anything I’ve written that’s fictional.

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  • Zap!

    But I like reading your thoughts, I promise I won't laugh — I have no soul. Steno book <3.

  • http://facebook.com/defenestr8 defenestr8

    if that's the only reason you're afraid of death, then you're way ahead of the game on most people.

  • http://www.negativesmart.com/ Candice

    It's true. I know where I'm going when I'm dead (nowhere). Certainty is
    nice.

  • http://www.wisdumb.com/blog Mr. Wisdumb

    The digital notebooks that are coming might be your cup o' tea… check this out: http://gizmodo.com/5365299/courier-first-detail…

  • http://twitter.com/dezunne D X

    Well I know you acknowledged it, but it's still very interesting how the perception-of-you-after-death, especially with regard to your most secret materials, stimulates this fear in you. I am fascinated by fears and phobias and things. There was a time it seemed like they should all be eradicated, but even if that's possible, they make (other people's) lives far too interesting. Like I was watching the iPad keynote, and one of the presenters was a developer showing off his app, and aside from the extremely controlled nervousness of his voice, you could see his hands trembling (all the worse 'cause they zoomed in to show them). And I wondered, what is going on in his nervous system, in deep layers of his mind, that has him afraid? What sort of confusion or evaluation is going on there?

    But anyway … for my personal writings, I use an online encrypted storage system called Wuala. Basically you login and it maps a drive on your computer, and you can edit any of the files normally. And when you logout they are encrypted in the cloud, not even stored on your computer.

    But my problem there is, I like to write in notebooks as well. I love black, inky pens. I guess I could find a fast way to digitize them or something. But I throw things away easily, and so periodically I go through the notebooks, write down anything that looks worth saving, and toss them in the trash.

  • http://miconian.com/ Michael Bennett Cohn

    I had such a collection of notebooks. I recently threw them away during a trip back to the folks' place, although I'm pretty sure my mom read them all a long time ago.

  • http://www.negativesmart.com/ Candice

    I don't even want to think about who might have taken a peek at the notebooks I left in Canada. They've been unattended for about nine/ten years now…

  • http://www.negativesmart.com/ Candice

    I prefer pen and ink, as well. One of the only cases where I prefer the “obsolete” version. But it just looks cooler in public… Anyone writing something in a notebook is obviously interesting and writing something very important or enlightening. Or not.

    …I can tell I trust my husband because I leave them around wherever in my apartment, and I know he won't read them.